I tried to run this morning. Everything was coated with whitish frost. Each arch of each branch outlined in a frosty line. The brambles over the ditches looked like something out of an old English painting. Where my legs would normally fly, I had to walk. The adrenaline is not being released. Serotonin is not kicking in. I suppose I could try to blame it on hormones, but that is a complete copout.

Walking back to my room across the crunchy field a young gull glided across in front of me. I could see his wings arching and straining against the thin morning air. His still-grey wings were frosted on the tips just like the naked branches. He kept low on the field; his wing tips just nearly above the grass. Right at that moment the song on my discman seemed so obnoxious. The children walking to school seemed so transparent and fake. My dreams from last night came back to me... brief snippits of scenes from my crazed fantasys. All at once I felt sadness. The sadness sticks.

What is missing from my life?? I have a job.. make that two jobs... that I love... "Student Farm Worker" on each paycheque. What more could I want?? I am educating myself. Five classes that are varied from molecular genetics to ecology to economics. I have a great relationship with Mom and the rest of my family. My friends invited me on their three-week road trip because "I'd get along well with everyone"... so I'd assume that everything is A-OK there. I have a vehicle and a bicycle so I am not stranded here. I get along with my roomates. I have physical health (?). I have men in my life. I have hobbies such as running (well trying to run), writing, gardening, birdwatching, dancing, listening to music...