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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
2002-02-02 @ 5:30 p.m.
Confessions of Desire
Finally, a good run this morning. I think that a good nights sleep combined with a day away from work was the combination that I needed. I did some interval work: sprinting between telephone poles. It's always a good sign when my calves are drenched.
All I can think about is my workterm. Kelowna. Please. I worked so hard on that cover letter. I'm imagining the hot summer evenings on my bike up in the dirt trails around the orchards. Cool dips in the lake. Time to myself. Books to read. Independence.
Cowboy makes my thoughts stray away from Peter. He made my thoughts stray away from Chris too. Cowboy really does want to be with me. He confessed today. "I want it more than you can imagine," he tells me. Why don't I just run into his arms?? Why am I giving this up? The reasons echo through my head: education, neediness, age, time, exploration. I'm not ready for the relationship that I see having with him. I want to explore other people while I'm still young. I'm fairly sure I could live life with him, but I'm only 21... do I really *know* what I want?
Everything is so green and fresh from the melted snow. Little blades of new grass are poking through the churned muddy earth. The forest smells so alive.