2002-02-18 @ 5:58 p.m.
Dark Dreams
The sun pressed down from above as I hopped off of the back of the pickup truck. We all hurried to spray the pesticides over the low berry crops quickly and efficiently. The foreman had taken a liking to me. My large smile always gives the men ideas about the size of my mouth. So often in bars, drunk guys come up to me and lear, "You sure have a grrrreat smile." He let me ride in the shade with him as long as I touched him...
Cut to a classroom on campus. In-class essay. Read the excerpt and analyze the development of the main character. I couldn't read the print. It jumped around on the page, and time ticked away. Fifty minutes was up, and I had't written anything on that page yet. Somewhere I found the words to jot down, but then the page disappeared from my desk. I frantically searched...
I awoke damp with sweat. I turn around and put my pillow at the foot of my bed in an attempt to rid my mind of the vivid ugly scenes. So much for going to sleep early. A full night's sleep gives me too much time to generate evil things in my brain.
I went to watch the game at the Pit with some old coworkers. It made me feel very alone to see Miss S with her new boyfriend. The way he touched her on the knee made me long to have that comfort right now. More than that, it made me feel very ugly. I feel like my body is so pudgy and that my face is ruddy.
The new boyfriend smiled and said "Hi!" to me, but I look in the mirror and see a chubby ugly girl.
The more I think about these feelings, the more I realize that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy in a relationship. I have so much time to think... to dwell... I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the dark side of my soul.
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