Rooted, I used to think.

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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Day Fifteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Fourteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Thirteen - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019
Atonement - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019

2002-02-24 @ 9:06 p.m.
5th Wheel

It really sucks when you go out with couples, and you are the single tag-a-long. It's been over three years since I've experienced this. And ya, it sucks. They hold hands. They have inside jokes. He'll touch her hair, and she'll take his arm. Just like we used to do.

I really shouldn't complain because I kind of have Peter. Although I haven't seen him in 10 days... and he's only a 40 minute drive away. There is something terribly wrong with this semi-relationship we have going on. What echos through my head is: "If he isn't getting the goods from you, then he's getting them from someone else." And since we never talk about personal everyday life drivel (or talk on the phone at all for that matter), he could get away with something like that so easily. I can't trust him yet. I don't feel connected at all to him yet. Kevin takes up more of my thoughts, and we neversee each other... just phone and icq..

Back on topic...

I watched my roomate and her boyfriend walking down the courtyard over to his place. I heard her laughter and noted the lightness in his step. Soft orange winter rays of light completed this picture.. and the emptiness is settling into my heart.

I carried my dishes down to the kitchen after dinner, and the guy next door was smoking on the stoop as usual. Black turtleneck. Polished shoes. He looked up and we made eye contact through the front door window. He looked so calm and cool... happily alone. Mysterious. Perhaps I will attain that solid confidence some day.

Roots | Shoots