The seeds of hurt were planted on wednesday night, when Chris 'forgot' about our plans for a walk and coffee. It was disappointing that he can push our friendship out of his mind so easily.

Seedlings sprouted on thursday night when one of my 'best' girlfriends called me to invite me to this show downtown. I'd actually seen clips of it on TV before. Penis Puppeteering. These two old fat men manipulate themselves into elephants and Eifel Towers on stage. "Oh, come'on! It's supposed to be funny!". Maybe if my friends would take the time to ask about MY life instead of just spewing theirs all over me and hanging up before I can edge as much as a comment in... maybe they would know my issues with men and sex and penises right now. As far as they know, Peter is still in my life. Just when I start to explain to her what happened with him "... so I saw Peter on tuesday..." she jumps in "oh hey, I've gotta get going... chat with ya later k?". I listened to her talk about her nails, her dentist appointment, her boyfriend's mom, her shopping trip, and the mail she got, but when I start to talk she "has to go". So the hurt grows. My sister and Mom are pretty much the best and only friends that I have. Sure, there are acquaintances that I talk to and hang out with, but none of them KNOW me.. or even seem to want to know me...

Friday sent lanky shoots of pain up from the soil. A friend that I was close with in elementary school has lymphoma. We gradded together too, but our groups of friends were different in highschool. I have let fall into the past my hate of when they decided that I wasn't "cool" enough to hang out with their new highschool friends. I realize now that they were thirteen and blind to how I'd go cry in the bathroom stall afterschool because they'd told me to my face "Go away! Why are you following us?". That's OK. We are all grown up now. I'd see her on campus every few days, and we'd chit-chat. I've been writing and re-writing the card I'm going to send her. What do you say to someone with a possibly terminal disease?

Aching roots twisted through the ground yesterday afternoon when apparently Chris forgot again that we'd rescheduled our coffee and walk to saturday afternoon. I left a quiet message of "Hey, it's me. I guess you forgot about our plans this afternoon... call me when you decide I have some sort of priority in your life. Talk to you later..." He did call back... "Hey I can come over now!" Umm ya, it's 11pm. Sorry. If you come over now, you'll just fall asleep on my bed. And I don't think I can curl up in those arms knowing you held someone else a few hours prior.

Whoa.

Summary of the above: I have no friends.

I did a google search for: diaryland+ "I have no friends", and there are an amazing number of people who claim to have no friends.

My griping was going to continue with feeilng fat and how I use food to numb my lonliness, but I'll spare the additional cliches.