2002-05-08 @ 6:12 p.m.
Watercolours
I bought a wall clock this afternoon and it tick tocks so loudly. I'm not sure why I bought it. It's not as though time is a big deal out here. There is just this spot on the wall that I keep looking to for the time, and my sister came by to visit and did the exact same thing.
She like the fact it was my OWN place, but I think she honestly thought the whole farm was a bit creepy-deserted-haunted. That's what I love about it. The spider web hung corners, the squeaky gates, the frogs croaking, and the lights that flicker in the night. "It's like Outdoor School," she commented, "and I hated that place."
I loved that place.
After work I took out my old blue metal watercolour paint box. The one with 12 different colours and the soft brush that's just the right thickness. I let the scene flow from my hands. It wasn't in my mind, I just drew arcs of colour. Eventually I realized the landscape was coming out upside down, so I flipped it and finished it.
It's the usual thing. The sea. The pine trees. The grassland melting into the sea with a great sweeping of watery blue from my brush.
Todd told me this afternoon that he's not found a job, but he's found a girl. And they aren't sleeping together ("We are waiting 2 weeks!"), so this one may last a little longer. One part of me is jealous that I've lost his attention, the other part is jealous of being one of the last single people I know. And a whole other part of me is laughing at how everyone is so needy for relationships. And the other part is crying just a little at how I too am not-so-secretly needy. But happy now. It's confusing. I was fine till he told me. No, I'm OK. I've got the cats. And the forest to run and run though and the paper to paint out my soul and books to relinquish my fears.
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