SWORDFERN
Rooted, I used to think.

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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Day Fifteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Fourteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Thirteen - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019
Atonement - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019


2002-07-18 @ 11:08 p.m.
Among the Wildflowers



I'm holding back from telling Kevin that I'm falling for him. He left me a phone message on Saturday night when he knew I wouldn't be home. It was a surprise - a gift - to know he cares. Things are progressing, yes, as well as things can progress when you are a country apart.

I'm pushing last night from my mind: Dave gave me a guitar lesson. First I showed him the farm. I scampered around the floor pens and caught an albino quail for him to hold. I took him down to the vineyard and the woodlot, and we crawled up on the very top of the stack of haybales. We made the lambs rowdy by 'baa-ing' at them. He taught me to play Free Falling - my first 'real' song. I mean, I've got "The Man on the Flying Trapeze" down pat, but who wants to hear that around a campfire?

After the lesson (when my fingers were frozen-numb with pain - man oh man I need to get the action lowered) I took him up to the roof. We lay side by side watching for shooting stars. The frogs were loud "Do you hear the frogs?" "I'm honestly not thinking about listening for frogs." "Oh."

I saw a star fall across the sky. Small faint trace of stardust skimming by.

He leaned over and kissed me. I let him. He smelled just like he did 3 years ago. I closed my eyes and just pretended it was 3 years ago. I could feel him looking at me and soaking up every moment. His hands on my face, pulling on my lower lip. I broke the moment later, but not before a really great hug and a rowdy tickle fight.

It's all the same. The way we are. It was dumb, no.. I guess I did just want to be close to someone for an evening. But still dumb. It's Dave. He's psycho. We get along great - the best - but he's not the MAN I want. I'll never be absolutely happy with him.

"You must be really happy out here. I can tell. I can see it in the way you look around yourself here. Not once have I had to tell you to 'relax' as I always did before."

But now, now, I rather wish I hadn't been kissing him. So when I meet The One, I can be absolutely clean for him. Clean mind, clear conscious. But I guess He's not coming for a while.


Roots | Shoots