Rooted, I used to think.

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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Day Fifteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Fourteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Thirteen - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019
Atonement - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019

2002-08-25 @ 10:25 p.m.

I've been very upset with myself for the past few days. I'm not sure where it stems from, but it definitely has something to do with my crush on a coworker. Causation or correlation?? I guess the latter.

I'm crumbling up inside, wanting, craving something more, and then absolutely nothing at the same time.

I fell asleep at 6pm last night. I woke up around 10pm and walked out into 'town', the purpose of the trip to pay my Visa bill. I strolled down the shoulder of the 'highway' watching my shadow wax and wane with each street light. I reached the suburbia. The houses are all so close - you could jump from roof to roof all the way out to Surrey. Some porches were lit up so calmly, and others were darkened in sleep. I saw a guy washing his dishes in a basement suite. I watched an elderly woman stare at a blue glowing television, her face reflecting greens and yellows.

There was a mirror next to the ATM in the bank, and I flinched at my reflection. God, I'm sickly looking. Face bloated and chubby, dark circles under my eyes, hair still damp and curling in crazy angled waves.

I stumbled home. Headlights made my head spin.

All I could think of was the co-worker. How we spent an hour and a half coffee break together on Thursday. How I made him laugh. How he looked at my legs when I wore a skirt. I tried to avoid him on Friday - it's an unhealthy thing to be attracted to a co-worker. He came to find me, though, to go to coffee together. I tried to be invisible, busying myself with the centrifuge, but he bee-lined past the other techs to ask what my timing looked like for a break.

I left coffee early, and he looked right into my eyes, "Aww come'on! It's Friday!" Then he got up to walk back to the lab with me.

I slept through the night and had horrifying dreams. I was running though the dark. Crying. Something happened at work. Crying. Dad died. I couldn't remember what I'd last said to him. Running.

The sun came up, though blurred by grey cloud cover. I slowly put on coveralls and went first to the heifers. Three of them were tangled in their halters. It was too much. I sat down next to one, in her manger of hay, and cried. The desparation of the cows helped me release my own tidal wave of defeat.

One by one, I helped the cows right their situations.

Who will untangle my mess?

Roots | Shoots