It's been consuming me, this deciding about the future.

I have the application forms for the WCVM in Saskatchewan. That's vet school. I flipped through the forms. They are exactly the same as when I got the package 2 years ago. I look at them everytime I walk through the kitchen. From BC, 350 people apply and 15 get in.

So that is far-fetched option #1. My heart thumps at the prospect of earning real money to be with animals. Could I ever be that 5% of applicants that gets accepted? Thump-thump clunk.

Back down here on Earth lies option #2. Grad school . Which would mean I can keep my feet in the dirt here at the farm. Masters in horticulture or botany of some kind... fruit biotech? Or should I stick to animal science? Anything, though, anything but this pure cell or micro.

Finally, option #3 is a complete deviation. Go back and do Customs as a career. I remember coming home at the end of the day with so many stories to tell. It felt good, knowing that in a small way, I helped to protect the country. I have my degree for myself, to show that I can stick with something, that I can commit myself to learning.

If only I could happen upon a half-million dollars. I'd buy land on a Gulf Island, raise chickens, grow apples, and write.

Something good came out of that party last night. Something bad did too, though.

The good is that I learned that my long-time crush considered me as a 'possibility' at one point. He's my drinking buddy - we tented together in Chilliwack at the beginning of the summer - he kissed me on the cheek, one tequila-drenched night 4 years ago.

His reason for never taking action: Dave.

They play hockey together. Out of respect, he won't ever date me.

The bad is that I learned that this same long-time crush slept with a mutual friend on their road trip last month. It saddens me, because I know she was his first, and I know she is a slut.

She paraded her boy-of-the-moment around at the party. He was very much hurt that the sex didn't lead to a relationship. How innocent he is. How cruel she is.

I want to talk to him, to tell him to shake his head. Everyone knows she's like that! Why did you push it out of your mind?

What I would give to just kiss him on the lips. To smell his neck. To feel his arms around me. It's all impossible though.