Rooted, I used to think.

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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Day Fifteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Fourteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Thirteen - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019
Atonement - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019

Saturday, Oct. 26, 2002 @ 12:30 am
What the hell are you doing?

Ahh yes. The traditional friday night beerfest.

Highlights included being mocked for stating that if I were a guy, I'd be an ass-man (as opposed to a breast-man) and being mocked for pointing out Taxi #69 as it cruised past the pub. "How old are you again?" I got G back good, though, and by the end of the night he was cursing quite loudly at me. All in good fun.

At 7pm we pack up to leave, and G and I cycle together as usual. So cold, so cold, especially with the numbing of $96 worth of pitchers divided among 5 people.

We get to the intersection where he usually turns off. We stop. Cars drive by. Leaves ruffle in the wind. I'm looking into his eyes, under the shadow of his helmet. "Do you wanna come over for a bit to warm up?"

I walked closer up to him, letting cars go around me. I turn off my headlight. "You are such a jerk."

I lay out what I think. It's nothing to do with my feelings, really, it's about him and his girlfriend.. how he's being stupid, being unfaithful... how I'm not naive, that I realize that I am just a plaything... then I get rather into my rant and end up insisting: "What the HELL are you doing?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

For the first time, I see true confusion on his face. "I don't know."

He goes on to explain that he cares about my feelings, that he hates when people ask about WinniPeggy when I'm around.. (I had noticed his rapid change of topic lately)... that "there are so many things wrong with me and her, and nothing wrong with me and you" but that things just won't work right now. He explained that he hadn't called because he needs to sort out one thing before starting another - that he was only thinking of me, and how unfair he was being...

"... and I hope you believe that what I say is true. Because it is."

He wants to take a step back and build more friendship. "I know nothing about you, really. You're so quiet. You reveal nothing."

So we walk over to his house to warm up and finish the conversation. We sit on couches across the room from each other and talk. For two hours we ask each other questions, analyze relationships at work, and banter off the alcohol buzz.

All I could think for that whole time was how strongly I felt for him.

He got up to go to the bathroom. I called people to find out where they were going to be later. He came back into the room, and he stood near me. Like a gravitational pull, I felt my body melting into the warmth of his. He wrapped his arms around me and I grabbed him. I can hardly describe the NEED I feel for him. There's this electricity. He's breathing down my neck. I'm breathing in H I M. I'm gently biting his neck. Slowly, so slowly, our lips are moving closer and closer together.

We can't just be friends. I can't help my hands from messing up his hair.

I left soon after, cycling home in the 10pm blackness. My headlight died. No light to see me home. No light to guide my way. Whatever I do, I can't tell what's coming. The lines of right and wrong have blended into me following my heart blindly.

Should I have resisted? How can something so wrong feel so right?

Roots | Shoots