Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2002 @ 8:16 pm
It's been a while.
I've been pouring all my writing efforts into my vet school application essay. Everything is the same: pubs, clubs, jogs, rides, movies, sleeps.. new lambs!
This was from a few days ago. I am much more positive right now. But still... the feelings are reside inside:
I saw you blink, your lies oozing from the sleep crusting in the corners of your eyes. I looked into those pools of fake, pleasing blue, so fake, so pleasing... blue like liquid sky... always saying the right thing. I cannot believe you. You lie! You lie beside me. At least you did.
It's the game.. You won. I won too, but then I lost. I lost because I loved you, and i still do. The rules of grammer don't apply here, it's my heart exploded onto the keyboard into ascii, into digital ons and offs. I feel like an idiot for thinking i'd ever be good enough for you.
Who'd ever want to see inside my head? I would have shared the colours of my night with you. The blacks and whites that you see with your nightvision rods, in my head, are so rainbowed, like bubbles, or oil spills, spilling over onto you and your body. I wish I could.
If only you could see around the pennies and quarters that winnepeg holds onto you with. If only i'd been born with a pretty face. If only I could feel your warmth right now.
It's fucking hell, here. They ask how she's doing, they joke about her, about you, they always talk about her. And I sit there. I think: I kissed him. He kissed me. He cheated on her.
Then I look around and think: Did he kiss her? Or her? She's cute - did he fuck her?
I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself for believing this insane notion that you could love a girl like me.
The microscope light hurts my eyes. The centrifuge fan blows so loudly.
Its none of my business, what you have going on in winnipeg. I know. You do what you want.
I'll go be alone now, it's ok to be mopey sometimes. I'll bounce back with a high, I promise. I'll be laughing soon enough.
It's been so long since i'd seen anything worth a fight, that you were. At least you gave me hope.