Sunday, Nov. 17, 2002 @ 7:01 pm
I feel strange for writing about this. It goes against my complete and total hatred of the girls who read Cosmo and wear lipliner. But this is what is in my head right now, and I have some accomplishments that are glowing out of my ears!
When I had my party a couple weeks ago, the people that thumbed through my old photo albums exclaimed at my former thinness. Those comments burned into my mind, the tsk-tsk's from one woman's mouth, the looks from a man: sizing me up, comparing my legs to those toothpicks they used to be. Months ago, Miss S told me that I look so much better now, but those words were not spoken this time.
I looked at myself. I looked all over my body.
I decided it was time to change.
So I've been working my ass off to burn calories. I've cleared my kitchen of anything remotely tempting/comforting. No more sweet delicious milk straight from Heidi. In two weeks, I've melted off 12 lbs of something. The first 5 are water weight, I'm sure, but there's been real change in my fat percentage too.
My face is cuter. My jeans are more baggy.
Last week, I got The Compliment. It was nearly an accusation; she's been trying to slim down as long as I've been with the company. "You've lost weight!"
I'm somewhat afraid, somewhat excited, to be back in this restriction mindset. I feel the high of hunger and of control.
I'm not sure if I will go as far as last time.. but then again.. once you start... it's a sickness. I kinda like it.
But don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a danger zone of thinness. I think it would be awesome to pare down to a size 5 and then maintain that. I've never stayed in that healthy zone for as long as I've been at this height. Before, I was a size 3/4, then 'recovery' sent me up to a massive 11/12 in a matter of months.
It is time. Swing to the left, swing to the right, the pendulum always centers itself.