Friday, Jan. 24, 2003 @ 9:43 am
I've been waking up lately just before sunrise. I wake up shaking and clammy from strange dreams. Why the dreams all of a sudden? Why am I getting a stuffy head type of cold? School is so unhealthy. No, school is ok on it's own.. I just take on too many other things while in full time classes. Every night this week I've fallen asleep over Nature Reviews of cancer cell signalling.
Procrastination. Evil. This is what I did last night after getting home from work: Organize tupperware/yogurt container cupboard, pay phone bill, use face mask, water plants, make sticky rice, put away clean laundry, organize stationary drawer and throw out pens/felts that don't work, record new answering machine greeting, top up fish tank water, call home. Now that's unproductive productivity!
Oh yes, please give me a slap if I ever become wussy sappy like S is with her new boy. I call her and she's at his place. Every night. "Aww Baby, I'm only going to talk to her for five minutes!" Baby? It just sounds so fake coming from her. She'd invited me to go to an interesting lecture d/t last night.. and I had the sneaky feeling she was using me to fill the time before he got off work at 9pm. So I cancelled with a truthful excuse of feeling like crap. "OK, well, then I'm just going to go visit him at work." Yup, I would have ended up bussing home alone.
Tonight... ahh yes. Drinking with work people. I miss it so much. Tonight will be epic. We're skytraining out to Surrey to someone's house. And... oh yes... guess who's on the same transit route for the ride home?? Goddamnit I was dizzy yesterday when he stood so close to me. I feed off desire and want. Emotions unleash creativity in me. I have no justification. He is just as selfish as I am.
We had a really good conversation yesterday. It was late and the lab was near empty - he was still finishing his experiment; I was doing data analysis. He was asking about my relationship status. He was quite convinced I was hiding something and someone. Something clicked inside me and as I was saying it out loud I believed it right away. "I am going to be single for at least a year." There is just too much coming up.. graduation... moving... decisions... travel... "I don't want anyone influencing the life decisions I need to be making in the next 6 months."
Maybe someone will come sweep me off my feet and change all my plans.
Ha. Yeah right.