Monday, Jan. 27, 2003 @ 10:06 pm
I've got my first midterm on Wednesday. I'm strangely prepared for it... it's good. I don't like pulling all-nighters. She bought her ticket to Europe this afternoon. We went for lunch today in the village because we really hadn't talked in a week. We caught up on the details of each others lives. I got boy info. She got colorectal cancer gene mutation info. Good trade? But seriously, I'm going to miss her a lot. She leaves in five weeks. I wish I could make plans for the summer. I wish I knew for sure that I have no hope of getting in to vet school.. then at least I could start looking for an apartment.
Things always work out. Breathe.
Actually, I feel more grounded right now than I have in a long time. I'm back into my morning routine of endowment land jogging. I'm back into the swing of learning. I'm making healthy decisions - like Friday night.
I was at the clinic this afternoon and the doctor was holding my hands and turning them over to look at them. It was comforting - the human contact. I tried to remember the last time anyone touched my skin in any sort of affectionate way. I mean real affection: not drunk, not shallow fling... The most recent moment that comes to mind was when Chris came out to see the Farm one afternoon last June? May? And that was the last time I was alone with him - and most likely the last time ever.
I talked to him a few weeks ago, and it was dry. Nothing to talk about... well... I didn't offer anything about my life nor did he ask. And his life consisted (as it always has) of work, hangin' with the boyz and drinkin'. School? Nope. Just resigned contract. Life plans? Nope. Any thought of anything besides cash and girls? Nope. He's alien. Closed. Unemotional. I know what's inside. I know more than anyone else. I KNOW. And he's just closed me off because I wasn't ready for It. God, that night, Canada Day last year, when I saw him with the two girls, and he completely blew me off.. God... that's nearly the strongest emotion I've ever felt in my life - second only to that morning he secretly read my bedside diary and walked out the door. I felt so helpless, so ashamed, so small, so cold. Shaking. Frozen. My eyes focussed in on his keys on my dresser. He'd forgotten his keys. Then the knock on the door. And then we spent 8 months in a veritable hell. No trust. Me always trying to make up for a mistake - hardly a serious mistake - but a mistake nevertheless. I should have seen it as a sign I wasn't ready for the long term commitment. Instead, I tried to make things work. I never got angry at him for reading something he knew was personal. I never told him he broke my trust too. Somehow, in this patriarchal relationship, his faults of character were disregarded.
So my two most emotional moments in life came from him.
I don't know where I was going with this.
I just want someone to hold my hand and mean it.