Friday, Mar. 21, 2003 @ 9:13 pm
Strip down the wallpaper and start with new hope...
She leans over to me during lecture and whispers, "Aren't you bored? I can't sit still."
I'm not listening to the lecture. My face is looking down on Dr. K and my note package is open to the correct page, but ...
Phases and moods and hormones... feeling good feeling inadequate feeling alone. Thinking too much.
Too much to do in the next week, and I have no motivation to start any of it. On one midterm that I thought I completely aced I got an average mark. The TA wrote a very nice comment that I had executed the essay "with flair and good demonstration of knowledge of the subject"... and still only gave me an average mark. "You needed to elaborate on these two points." Well, well... guess that's the reason I'm not an artsy one. I have to write a paper for that course this weekend, and I just don't feel like putting any creative effort into it. X happened at Y and caused Z.
Eight days of undergraduate university classes left.
6 weeks and I'll be not here. Easter weekend I pack up my farm suite.
Not that everything won't be the same there. I'll still be with me. And I'll be even further away from my friends who really still don't know me. I need to tell someone something... I'm trying to figure out who right now. It wasn't right on the weekend... she can't support me with this one... because.. well... not her. I think it will end up being Mom. She knows more about this part of me than anyone else. She doesn't understand though, because I was slipping bad like this when I was at home the summer before last.. and at that time she just got mad and told me to take control of myself.
And, believe me, I tell myself to take control every single day.
And right now it's simply not working.