We lay on the pile of pillows on the floor beside the pool table. She had a piece of stuffing from the couch in her hand, and she drew the soft material across the tender crescent of stomach exposed between the bottom of my tanktop and the top of my belt.

We kissed last night, sometime around midnight. I saved my girl-kissing virginity for her, because I love her and she loves me... it was bound to happen sometime soon.

She's wonderful, and I'm so happy to have her as my best friend.

I went to Chris' apartment yesterday afternoon. I crawled back to him, my eyes averted downward in shame. I miss you.. He pulled my chin up with his fingers, and what I saw in his eyes made my heart jump, explode and tear in two. His brown eyes were liquid and expressive with a mixture of love, hurt and hate. Confusion.

I kept looking. I couldn't keep my eyes from his... if this was going to be the last time that I see him in the context of lovers, then I was going to consume every mote of his soul. He sat me down and I tentatively took his hand and looked at it as I never had before. Fresh eyes. So soft a hand, how many hours has it been entwined with mine?

Now more than ever, I'm convinced that I will never understand you, he sighs. I've spent the last while trying my hardest to get over you. What has he created within his head to generate a hate or dislike for me? Is he looking at me now and seeing me like the P behind the red slashed circle of a no parking sign?

I need to think about this. I look back once as I walk down the sterile almond-hued hallway. He's standing there with one hand on the door. One fat orange cat watches me and half-winks in his typical winky orange smile.

So now I'm waiting. I went to that houseparty and drank to slow my racing brain. I passed out on the couch and the band sat on top of me to play their New Years Acoustic Set. Tim's girlfriend. Why can't I just date? It always becomes so serious so quickly. I vaguely remember a bongo drum reverberating against my knees and Tim being too drunk to tune the guitar. Too drunk... while I wait I will take advantage of this scene that I dreamed to be a part of.

Who do I really want? Maybe you should be with neither of them. How about I just wait a while to see how things unfold.