Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 @ 12:51 am
Last Monday. I stood barefoot in the middle of the road. I'd ran outside after him, clutching his forgotten hat in my right hand. Gravel bore into the soles of my feet but all I could see was his back and the dim setting-sun sky. It was a movie, and I watched and told myself to run after him, yell out, declare my love. But my feet would not move; my throat was tight and no words would come. His head finally dipped below the top of the hill. Briefly I thought he'd turned around and was coming back but it was a mirage.
The last moments in my room: I sat on the footstool and he stood before me. My face was upturned, tears dripping from my crumpled features. Mouth open in the agony of indecision and hate and despair... every emotion happening at the same time. He held my wet face in his hands and told me You need to know what you want. And then he left.
I froze for a while: a brief moment of static on my synapses. So, now what? His hat lay folded on my shelf. I washed it the day after our last hike. I did once care... I do still care. That hat the symbol of love not yet over, I took it up and out onto the road.
I went inside to wait. The phone rang minutes later. What are you doing? he casually asks through tears and sniffles. I shake my stubborn mindset away from me like a wet dog and pick up my keys. I find him and we drive past the cemetery to the 7-11. He buys me a slurpee and we pretend like things are normal. I hear my voice saying things like, "I want to try to fix things."
We drive to the seaside and walk the warm early morning hours, so tired from all the crying but not wanting to be alone or sleep until we are connected again.
At dawn I drive him to work.
At 7pm Dan arrives on my doorstep. I find myself falling in love with him, helplessly, even though I love Tim. He takes me out, the rain sheets off the windshield of his car. We look like a couple. I act like a girlfriend. What am I doing? We lie on my bed and talk among the blankets and pillows. He holds me and I become scared and overwhelmed, and I tell him to leave. He is confused. If only he knew how confusing it is inside of me.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday are with Tim. Nights and a day, I try to put every mote of energy into loving. By Sunday it feels normal again, until I go to the bridal shower.
I sit at the bar invisible, quiet, brooding. Aprons.. measuring spoons, small-handled punch glasses. Cards with pictures of brides and grooms hand-in-hand, best wishes, holy promises, happily ever after. I hear later, Shannon sure was quiet today. Is she ok?
I told Dan that Tim is my love right now and he became silent. I think you're making a big mistake, Dan says blankly. The words echo through my head. He leaves me a message later, I'd have done anything for you. The captain of the football team would have done anything for me.
I go running past my old highschool and my mother holds onto me after Sunday dinner. She's so small - how did I come from her? It's her huge heart, I inherited that from her. I just haven't learned to tame it yet. Harness a superpower. My heart, a superpower instrument of love.