Saturday, Oct. 01, 2005 @ 2:02 pm
Tremendous change; I feel so alive.
I hunch down, sitting on my ankles, to rest my legs. Tide trickles out between the smooth stones, through the heavy carpet of fucus seaweed. The sky is divided in half by a wide swath of stars, dense clouds to the west, puffy patterned altocumulus to the east. Strong winds gust my hair up into my face, warm wind, warm hair, the ocean and my shampoo and Daniel’s light brown eyes reflect the pulse of light from the lighthouse beyond.
I am enchanted with the straightness of his smaller faintly-yellow teeth. His smile. Is this what it’s like to be around me, to be around someone whose smile is so fantastically honest and wide? It is bliss. Out of my league? No, we are together, seeing only each other a hundred leagues below the surface of stars.
Eventually he does kiss me. He pushes his nose into my face like a pony searching for carrots. Velvet muzzle. My fleece jacket is embroidered in short horse hairs; it smells like leather and alfalfa and cold September mornings. The jingle-jangle of the buckles of the girth as I walk down the aisle of the barn. My hand numb in the strap of the curry comb then thawing, tucked between the saddle pad and Button’s withers. I steady Nicholas on the short pony’s back. The boy’s jaw is slack, a slight silk thread of drool links his chin to his collar. His eyes meet mine and I see pure happiness, a sense of freedom, unlocked unleashed from the riggings of his wheelchair.
I have found again a sense of place, the spirit of giving, the importance of connecting with other people. I am doing things that are intrinsic to my heart: tracing faces and bodies in charcoal, creating music with others and my flute, working with horses and volunteering my time and patience… and also, discovering the mind of a person so like my own that it helps me to remember who I am.
I return home alone and the lights are out and the stereo is turned up to the max. Rum and coke, sloshed towards me. I attack Mike and take a bite from his piece of ice cream cake, and Liam leans into me when things begin to quiet down. Jen is red-faced stomping around with a toothbrush hanging from the side of her mouth. Home. Happy.
I made the right decision.