Thursday, Sept. 06, 2007 @ 2:37 pm
I'm tired when I should be rested. The sun is out and I want it to be raining, so that I can sleep, under covers. Undercover. The old houses haunting me, dreaming of driving my carriage through the busy city streets. I've lost my lines. I'm late. I'm scraping the curbs with my carriage wheels. People yell from their cars, from the sidewalks.
I wake anxious. I count my tips and try to convince myself that this job is worth it. That I will not have an accident, that I will not be responsible for somebody's death.
"Have you ever visited the States?"
They ease their bulky bodies from my carriage, creaking springs. They hand me some money. I don't look until they have left. Will it be a twenty or a measly pile of ones?
I know the questions they'll ask. What kind of tree is that? (answer: monkey puzzle) How do they water all these hanging baskets? (answer: by tanker truck at night) Where's a good place to go for dinner? (answer: expensive touristy place serving lots of meat) How long have you been doing this? (answer: I just started this summer)
Deborah. She is/was my counsellor. I really like her, maybe I love her. She's beautiful and funny and we are so similar. I want to spend more time with her, but she's my counsellor and older than me. I need someone like her in my life. Would it be too strange to ask her out on a walk? I know she could never ask me out. I wonder how old she really is... 40? Too different.
There is a girl at work who hates me. She was telling me to whip my horse, and I argued with her and refused to hit him. Since then she hasn't been talking with me. She is pregnant. She is ugly. I've never met an ugly pregnant person before.
Thirteen days until school starts. There will be people in my class who are 10 years younger than me.
I went past the house this morning where all the Korean people were killed. The house is on my regular jogging route. Curious. Nothing to see. Lots of news vans. Police cars. Who will buy that house now? I like change. The thought of having to start over does not make me want to destroy the evidence of what I've been.
Things are changing right now. I feel relieved that I no longer have to be an adult.