Saturday, Nov. 03, 2007 @ 8:42 pm
I don't know what to do.
I sit on the floor tearing the Monday Magazine into small pieces. My hands grey with newsprint. I rock, comforting myself, like an autistic child.
I try to slow down my heart, my racing anxious heart. I slow it down, and then I try to stop it. I try to stop the pounding swollen heart in my chest. It won't slow down. I open my chest up, and imagine my soul shooting outwards. I call on someone to take me, out of my body, out of here. I'm ready to go.
He put on his jacket, his wool socks. I heard the door shut, and my body convulsed. I waited. The truck turning over, starting up. I let go. I let out everything inside of me, gasping,
I'm cold and hot and alone. I want to leave too, but there's nowhere to go.
It's my fault. My stubborness, my closed head. Nobody's allowed in. I'm so determined, so sure that I'm right.
I don't know whether I'm supposed to call him or leave him alone. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to pretend that I want to go out with him. At least not out among others.
I want to be alone, but I don't want to be alone. I'm not capable of loving. Truly loving. I cannot create the sort of relationship that I need. I always ruin things. Ruins. I want to destroy this apartment, because it is us. It has to be in ruins, like us.
He has failed to love me when I need to be loved the most.
This is one of the most terrifying moments of my life.