Friday, Jan. 18, 2008 @ 1:04 pm
I didn't mean to do this.
Well, maybe I did. I willed it to happen, without realizing the effect my thoughts would have on another person.
Peter. In December, I loved him. I fell in love with him. We were teamed up for surveying; that's when I noticed him. Young. Such a smile, heart. I did not outwardly flirt.
Instead, I dug around on the internet and learned all about him. I watched him from the back of the classroom. I loved, loved, loved him. Lust.
This month, my lust settled to a simmer. I surveyed with him again and again, our last names adjacent in the alphabet. I sat beside him in class.
And then, he sat beside me. On Wednesday, he sat down beside me. At the beginning of the class, I looked at him, and we were so close, and I was smiling, and it was everything that my December heart longed for.
Yesterday, we walked hurriedly to class together, late, the campus quiet. He said It's nice to work with someone who cares about doing things right. And all I really heard was It's nice to work with you.... Uh oh. I willed him to love me.
I sat with Daniel at lunchtime. Barely talking, both weary from early classes. Peter walks by. Begins to smile at me, sees Daniel, and doesn’t stop.
I spent all afternoon in the library, working from my math textbook and practicing my English presentation quietly. I took the bus home, past flooded fields, through the working-class part of town. I thought about Peter. I wondered if he realized who Daniel was.
At home, the kitchen is warm with dinner. Daniel is working the stove. I sit at the computer. Peter F. has added you as a friend…. My December heart jumps. I can’t believe it. And my December heart falls. Now he’ll know all about me.
Today, Peter and I talked about surveying as I leaned against a row of lockers. I still love him. I still want to love him.
Now, we’re friends.