Rooted, I used to think.

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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Day Fifteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Fourteen - Saturday, Feb. 09, 2019
Day Thirteen - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019
Atonement - Thursday, Feb. 07, 2019

Friday, Feb. 15, 2008 @ 8:05 pm
The Clinic

I arrived at the clinic early. I had to fill out a bunch of consent forms, mostly related to anesthesia, which bothered me quite a bit because I wasn't planning on being put under anytime soon. True to it's title, there were no men to be seen at the "Women's Clinic." There was a security camera over the door.

I met with a young nurse practitioner. She was up front, caring, and informative. We discussed the options, and then I was sent for an ultrasound.

I shuffled off to the scanning room, and met the tech who was scarily upbeat but very comforting. I reluctantly undressed underneath the cotton gown, and then got up on the table.

She printed out a photo of my 'pregnancy', and wrote some measurements on a chart. When I was dressed, she told me what was going on. There is no yolk sac. My 'pregnancy' consists of a 1 cm diameter water sac. So, what you're saying is that it's probably not viable anyhow? Yes, it is not viable. At 4 1/2 weeks we should be seeing the yolk sac. It might show up in the next week, but I have doubts.

They injected me with methotrexate, after which I proceeded to nearly pass out.

So now I get to plan my miscarriage instead of waiting for it to happen by itself.

I am greatly relieved to have not seen a tadpole swimming around inside of me. I feel better, knowing that there is no soul there yet, at least not one that is destined to live. I am somewhat concerned about my fertility and how uncomfortable these first few weeks of pregnancy have been for me, but the relief of seeing my uterus empty is the most important idea right now.

I have a more realistic view of pregnancy now. The aches, twinges, and sleepless nights, along with heavy sore breasts, and I am hardly a fraction of the way into things...

Next up: the experience of the 'miscarriage'.

Roots | Shoots