SWORDFERN
Rooted, I used to think.

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Tuesday, Oct. 07, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
Panic



I had my first panic attack in a long time on Saturday night. I'm not sure what triggered it, probably a combination of putting off eating dinner for too long and being tired.

I used to get them fairly often when I lived in Vancouver. The busy city. Especially when faced with going downtown or to apartment parties.

The only attacks that I've had in Victoria have been at restaurants, last weekend's included.

On Saturday, we went out for a very late dinner (I usually eat at 6pm or else there's trouble). We walked the two blocks to the new pizza place in the village. I had thought that the plan was to take a pizza away, but Daniel ordered us a table.

I started to become anxious. We only had to wait a few minutes, but the place was dim and loud and extremely busy. The girl started taking us to our table, and she slipped between a teeny space between the backs of two chairs. I tried to follow her, and got stuck. Nothing like feeling fat to bring on a panic attack.

Anyhow, I lost it. I turned around and walked back towards the front of the restaurant. Daniel asked what I was doing, obviously confused as to what was going on. He guided me on a path around some tables to where the girl was waiting at our table, and I sat down and stared at the table until she left.

In my head, I was repeating I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here.

Daniel ordered us some wine, some people left the restaurant, and eventually I calmed down.

Stuff like this happens to everyone, right?


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