SWORDFERN
Rooted, I used to think.

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Sunday, Dec. 20, 2009 @ 3:31 pm
Men from my past.



Coming up on the shortest day of the year on the 54th parallel. The snow on the ground has been permanent for weeks now, and I am falling into everything that winter offers.

I am cross country skiing twice a week, 18km this weekend alone. My body, instead of softening into winter hibernation, is becoming more fluid and more strong than ever before. I climb to the highest point of the ski area, pause, and then gravity pulls me down over the rolling hills, the snow softly hitting my face and melting into dew. Most often, I am alone. Most often, I see other lone skiers, mostly men with greying frost-covered beards.

I went skating yesterday morning at an outdoor rink behind the highschool. The sun was barely up, and I was alone on the ice. At first, I was like a giraffe, as it has been a few years since I laced up a pair of skates. Soon I was moving around easily on the rough, natural ice. It's so beautiful to do this, to skate outdoors on a cold sunny morning.

Tonight, I am making dinner for a friend that I met at school on the island. I mentioned him here when I was trying to figure him out and why he had said that I was emotionally cold. He is driving in from a town 575 km West of here. He is going to stay overnight. Daniel is already down on the South coast. It's strange because initially I hated this person. I thought him arrogant and obnoxious. But over time, I began to see through it all, and I began to seek his attention. Tonight I will have his full attention, as we move from the neutral campus setting into my home and my life.

Dangerous situation? Yes.

Also dangerous: I've been talking with an ex lately, a lot more than I should. I am realizing that I did truly love him and that I still do. It's been more than a few years since I left him, but, for better or worse, we're moving back into each others' lives. I tell him that I think about him often. He sends me a link to a song that he wrote about me, that is the title track from his current band's cd: "By the way the m00nlight hits your eyes, shines into me. I can drift aw@y until sunrise, Holding gently." There's something intriguing about a band of tattooed and pierced men performing an alt-metal ballad that is written specifically about me.

Life is interesting, no?


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