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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Wednesday, Sept. 25, 2013 @ 10:13 am
So many half-written entries that haven't made it off of my computer. Four entries about babies: two for and two against. One entry about simplifying my life.
The conclusion of the baby entries is uncertain. I can see us having children, but Daniel is hesitant to consider it in our current living situation. We rent a 650 square foot one bedroom apartment, which would cost us $415,000 to purchase. The closest elementary school is strewn with needles and condoms. The other night, there was a woman sitting on the curb outside the school slurring and talking to herself, a half-drunk bottle of sherry beside her on the curb. I like this part of town, don't get me wrong, and I never feel unsafe, but it's probably not an ideal place to raise a child. Never mind the space and affordability issue. We still have time, and we are having these conversations, so I think that we are on the right track.
The simplifying project is hugely rewarding. Purging stuff from our lives, both physical and mental.
I quit Facebook. I still have an account, but I am no longer checking my update feed. I was addicted to checking it multiple times per day. It was making me feel badly about myself - a never ending stream of engagement and baby showers and braggy holiday photos. So I quit it. I kept Instagram because it has a creative aspect that I believe is healthy. I purged a number of my RSS feeds, and my phone goes into a cupboard when I get home. What I'm saying is that I'm on an internet diet.
I purged a lot of household items and clothes that made me feel frumpy. I gave away piles of books and crafting supplies. I threw out old makeup and hair products. I bought modular pantry containers and organized the flour, sugar, cornmeal, etc. The apartment is now a well-oiled machine, and it's a huge relief, and we now have empty cupboards in a 650 square foot apartment. Unbelievable.
My health is good. I am not exercising as hard lately, but I am stretching every night with a goal to be able to do the splits by the new year. I'm not sure that it will happen, but it's good to have goals. I realized that I have a mild form of rosacea, and I changed out my face products with good results. I always thought that my skin was oily and break-out prone, but in reality it is dying of dehydration and chemical sensitivity. Instead of removing oil, I am now literally soaking my face in oil every night. My skin hasn't looked this good since I was 15. What I need to work on is not biting my nails. I'm goddamn 32 years old, and I've been biting my nails since I was 12. The nail biting is related to anxiety, which I am also realizing that I suffer from more than I have previously recognized. Daniel wants me to see a therapist, but the thought of going to a therapist makes me anxious (haha), so I'm probably just going to try to read some self help books. Always a work in progress, no?
Work is ok. I haven't been very busy lately, which has me worried about them laying me off. I feel stuck in a rut, but I'm hoping that this will pass as municipalities start to put out RFP's later this fall. I think the bigger issue is that I don't feel as though I fit in around here. Everyone my age stands around talking about their kids and sharing photos of their kids, and I feel left out. I am feeling too old to hang out with the early 20's crowd, so that strategy isn't really working anymore. I don't know. I guess I just need to put myself out there more. See: anxiety issues.
The summer was a whirlwind of taking advantage of where we live. We did some incredible hikes that pushed our physical limits. We rode our bikes endlessly around the city, the seawall, and to the beach. Swimming at Spanish Banks whenever we had a chance. Eating at different restaurants, drinking a lot of craft beer. Kicked off the summer back in March with a camping trip to the Olympic Peninsula. The trip to Cuba for D's sister's wedding. Cycled down to Birch Bay for an overnighter at a beach house. Cycled up the Island and down the Sunshine Coast on a multi-day cycle camping tour. Up to the Okanagan to spend time with my Aunt and Uncle, out on the boat on the lake in the Okanagan sun. Spontaneous trip to Portland to attend the largest Beerfest in America. Fireworks, indie rock shows, Playland. Two more camping trips this fall, one up into the Fraser Valley, one down to Puget Sound this last weekend. Gardening in my roof plot and on the balcony. Watching the sun set from the roof, sipping gin and tonics while the city glimmers beyond. Yup, it was a great summer.
What else? Daniel and I are good. Really good! Finally there is little tension. Double income, nobody stressed by school, no renos to strain our relationship. Just... nothing! It's great! Best friends. We work so well together, and we have so much common history now that I don't consider not being with him. We can predict each other's moods. The morning is a choreographed routine of showers, bumping bums in the walk-in-closet, and his coffee and my oatmeal and the sun coming up on the horizon. I waited for this for a long time, and I knew that there would be great reward in sticking through some of our more challenging times. Be generous with yourself. Moving many, many times, changing jobs, uprooting over and over again. School and stress and no time to breathe. But we did it and here we are. This summer was reaping our grain, all of that effort to be here now. Things get better. Saturday is our 8 year dating anniversary. My dental hygenist (this woman is like my therapist, I swear, it's wierd but what the heck) asked me yesderday if we were going to do something special to celebrate. I shrugged and said Dunno. The fact is that we celebrate every day. Every dinner we sit down and enjoy our time together and later sitting on the couch on the balcony under a blanket just talking and watching the city twinkle. What would we do that was different from normal? We live a life of retirement-honeymoon.
I guess we are due for some kids.
AAAAnd, then, we've started talking about moving back to Victoria. Here we go again. We would be able to afford space for kids in Victoria, and I could afford to take a little time off during the baby/toddler years, and the schools would all be pretty great, and it's quieter and, and, and. Daniel recieved a phone call yesterday from a colleague in Victoria asking him how serious we are about moving back to the island, because he foresaw a job opening at his workplace that would be an ideal fit for Daniel - agricultural planning. I nearly blew a fit, saying that we just got settled and that we'd planned to be here for 3-5 years, etc, etc, but then I calmed down when I realized that it opens the doors to a lot of thing and how much peace I felt living in Victoria. Furthermore, he would get a $6/hr pay raise, which when combined with a cheaper cost of living is a no-brainer. I know from the past that once we start talking about something like this that it will eventually happen. There are good job prospects for me in Victoria too, as I built a network there during school.
Anyhow... that's the update.