Thursday, Oct. 31, 2013 @ 10:51 am
Whenever I have a dream about Chris, I wake up frustrated and filled with regret.
And then Daniel gets up and is in his morning grumpy mood, and I think about how Chris would never be like this. I jump at Daniel as he walks past the kitchen and yell Boo! (it's Halloween), and he looks at me blankly and stalks off to the bathroom. Chris would never do that.
Why do I feel this way? Comparisons aren't fair. Nobody is perfect.
Why does Chris haunt me like this?
Anyone else who's ever distracted me has been fleeting. Nick was too naive, too impulsive. Ben was a wanderer, too loose and unstable for my Capricorn nature. Peter was too young. Who else? There were some moments with an ex, which were fleeting and more nostalgic than anything else. But Chris existed before Daniel. Chris existed in that in-between time, and I recall wondering if there was something there, but quickly dismissed it as a vain thought. He'd never be interested in me in that way.
But as time has passed, I've realized that maybe there was something there. I don't know for sure, but when I look back on things I see them differently. I think about where we are now, about how much we have in common, about how our personalities fit together like Lego. Growing up two blocks away from each other, only to meet once we became adults.
How do I make this go away? Why do I feel so much regret?
I always manage to eventually shake this feeling off. But each time I wonder, Is this something that I should be listening to?