SWORDFERN
Rooted, I used to think.

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Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2014 @ 3:20 pm
Same Old



I had this dream last night. Sorry, I hate reading dream entries too.

In the dream, Daniel proposed to me, or something like that. It was more instantaneous marriage. The ring was this large blue and green resin ring with a large face. On the face of the ring were two birds, which is the symbol of our relationship. I was really torn when he put it on my finger because I really didn't like the ring. I started to stress about how it would be difficult to coordinate it to my outfits and that there wouldn't be room on my finger for an additional wedding band and that it wasn't going to be durable enough. Well, sure enough, later in the dream it started desintigrating. I ended up throwing it at him and then going into this cabin. In the cabin was this tall beefy guy (no idea who) who hugged me and said that he'd care for me etc. etc. I think it turned to kissing at that point, and I don't remember the rest.

The dream is pretty legitimate. I have this nagging feeling about our relationship. I can tell myself that everything is fine, and we are good for the time right after counselling, but several days later we are back at square one, and I'm unhappy. I'm worried that our personalities just aren't meant to mesh. I worry that by spending my life with him that I will be sacraficing the lightness within me, that I know exists when I'm by myself or with other people. I worry that if I bring up this idea at counselling that she will tell me that relationships are work or something along those lines, but I'm just not buying it. When I told her that I need more time alone, she told me to explore the feelings of why I needed to disengage from Daniel. That something was holding me back. But the fact of the matter is that we live in 650 square feet and if I have to engage in conversation with Daniel as much as he wishes to then I will never be able to read, knit, sew, exercise or do anything that requires me to be alone with my mind. That to me is too large of a sacrafice. After dinner, I want to work on my projects, not sit around drinking wine for 3 hrs. Further, why does his desire for my time trump my need for my own personal creative time?

Frustrated.

I just don't know what I'm doing here. He's already told me that he's nearly proposed only to have an argument with me that puts him off for another few months. That's not fair for me. Are you in this or are you not?

I really wish that we didn't live together, because the way things are makes it too easy to just carry on. There's no incentive for him to propose. So I'm feeling strung along. Life is a journey, I get that, and I don't regret the things that we have done together, but I just want some certainty. I can commit, but this in-between time is frustrating and causes me to feel unsure of myself.

A couple of days ago, Daniel was reading me news from his Facebook feed. He reported that Charlotte was engaged. She'd broken up with a long time b/f in the spring (they even had a mortgage together) and had since met someone and he proposed over xmas. The amount of rage that I felt at that moment. This is why I don't look at my news feed. Why do I have to sit here waiting for 8.5 yrs? Why? Why can this guy commit in 5 months? Am I doing something wrong? The magnitude of my jealousy is fearsome.

The thing that I've learned is that jealousy can be motivating. That when you feel jealousy, that you should explore the feeling and then take action. I was jealous of the girls coming out of the ballet school, so I signed up for ballet. Now that jealousy is gone. Is it time to harness that relationship jealousy? Why do I keep asking myself this? Is it obvious to everyone else?


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