Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014 @ 9:50 am
You know, I think that sometimes I get too wrapped up inside my ungrateful head.
I need to take more ownership of my happiness. There's no recieving without giving.
I know exactly what triggered my previous feelings. Chris sent me a Merry Christmas email, which I couldn't bear to open for a couple of weeks. I finally opened it and read it and, as usual, it set me off into a spiral of doubt.
I keep reading it over and over again. He sat there thinking about me and emailed me.
One time I flew to Toronto to see someone in an attempt to determine the status of our relationship. It had always been friendly, but I was curious. It carried on for a couple of days of 'just friends', me sleeping on his living room futon, him in his bedroom with the door shut. I don't remember who made the first move; my gut tells me that it was me. In the end, my intuition was correct. My relationship with him did not progress very far. We met up when he was in town on business, and on one of those visits, sitting side by side on his hotel room bed, he says, "You know, I would have liked to tried to have a proper relationship with you." But it never worked out and I was witholding myself and... generally... I f*cked it up. He would have been a great life partner.
The point of that story is that my intuition has proven to be correct.
I could fly to Calgary on the weekend, just like I did on that snowy February in Toronto. I could show up and sleep on his futon and lie there in the dark wondering.
I used to be bold like that. Maybe I still am.