Friday, Feb. 07, 2014 @ 10:21 am
On Becoming a Semi-Auntie
I walk in the door, D standing in the kitchen, knife in one hand, phone pressed between his shoulder and his ear.
Remember at Christmas, how I said that I suspected K was pregnant? What did I say was the reason?
My mind races so fast, my emotions well up raw and sharp. K's pregnant. She's pregnant. She has a whole house and a husband and a dog and a diamond ring and two cars and a garden and so many friends and now she's pregnant.
I go straight to the bathroom and lean on the sink, hands pressing onto the cold stone counter, staring into my reflection. D's sister is pregnant.
Why do I feel this way? Why is this so crushing?
Thinkthinkthink. Stopfeelinglikethis. Justbehappyforher. Thisisntaboutyou. Stepoutsideofyourself.
Washing my face, trying to come to terms with this.
I feel like this because my inner critic is telling me that I'm being left behind yet again. I argue with it that the road less travelled is never easy. Yet again, Shannon, you are being left in the dust. Alone. See? You did this to yourself. You are a bad person. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you were truly lovable, then D would propose and want to make babies with you too. See? K is outgoing and thin and has great skin and is obviously lovable because she got married and is now pregnant. You don't have those things. It's so obvious, give your head a shake, you are worthless.
I tell the voice that it's lieing to me. That it's not being helpful. That by shaming me it actually is causing me to be less of a person, and that I could be myself and more loveable if it would stop telling me these things. I ask it to step aside. I comfort my inner child. You are lovable and creative and sensitive. Everyone moves at their own pace through life. You have so many great things in your life. You are happier with only one car. You are happier with less house to clean. You resented the lawn and garden, and your roof plot produced more than any garden that you've ever had because you loved it more deeply. You take pride in your small footprint. You and Daniel embrace life and go on adventures and do things that many people would never dream of. You are NOT being left behind. You are travelling your own path. And that path is perfect for you.
I dry my face and come out of the bathroom.
Congratuations, Daniel, how does it feel to know that you are going to become an Uncle?!