Monday, Jul. 20, 2015 @ 1:25 pm
Chris is coming over for dinner tonight. It's super short notice, and I know that I left underwear on the bathroom floor and that I didn't make my bed. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the amazing meal that I'd make for him, but I had no warning and will have to just BBQ up some salmon and corn.
I will never completely understand myself, why I continue to torture myself with staying friends with a a man that I secretly love.
Is he like the farm team? The backup goalie? The understudy?
What does he gain from me? Why does he spend time with me?
I've never been a good friend. I was never taught how to socialize. I don't currently have any girlfriends that I see or talk with on any regular basis. I think that I'm kind of befriending my yoga teacher, because we keep running into each other in the grocery store and on the bike route, but I really just don't have the skills to make a real friend.
Am I a good friend to him? I try to be. I like hearing what he says, what he thinks. He pushes me to think differently about things, and he always questions the status quo. What does he like about me? My inner critic tells me that I am unremarkable.
So, tonight, leaving work early to pick up some fish, to clean up the house. Chris. Dinner. Tonight.