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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Friday, Jan. 22, 2016 @ 12:14 pm
I sit on the table in the examination room, gown open at the back. I pick at my cuticles, feet swinging in the open air, chipped coral polish on my toenails, bruise on my thigh.
I tell her about my night sweats. Three to four times per week, sometimes twice per night. I show her the calendar with all of the days marked with X's. There is no obvious pattern.
She pushes back the sleeve of the gown and velcros the cuff around my bicep. I notice the muscle definition and vascularization from my shoulder to fingertips as she twists my arm to the correct angle. You are in great shape. What are you doing for exercise these days?
She sends me away with a form for blood testing: kidney, liver, reproductive hormones, glucose, thyroid.
I walk away from the office feeling blank. I just don't know what to expect. I have no other symptoms. My assumption is that it's a side effect of my birth control pills.
It rains, interminably. I spend my evenings working on creative projects - painting, making cards, colouring.
My weight remains at 123 lbs. I struggle whether to accept this as maintenance or whether to aim for 120 lbs just to be safe. I bought a new bathing suit for our trip to Phoenix earlier this month, as the old one was bagging off of my body, and I ended up with an XS top. In the same store, I tried on some sale jeans and was surprised to discover that at that store I am now a size 0. Zero.
Here I am, I can hardly believe it. Size 0 and 123 lbs. I remember when the scale read 191 lbs and I bought a pair of size 14 pants. I remember eating a whole bag of chips in one sitting, and then moving onto other food. Emotionally eating my way through my nights. I recognize it now and have learned to do other things to fill my empty heart. Create rather than destroy.
I wonder what is happening inside of me. Last night, standing shivering in the bathroom, wiping sweat from my torso with the hand towel. Slipping back into the damp sheets, thinking about the bloodwork form in my bag and wondering.