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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Saturday, Mar. 05, 2016 @ 4:27 pm
Daniel is out of town for three days. He doesn't message me on day two or three. I can see that he is at various bars and record shops in Portland. He is out late.
I think about life without him. I go to work, come home, go about my routine without him. I feel a sense of freedom without him but also loneliness.
I think more and more about what this relationship is doing for me. If I'm taking it for granted, or if I've been more than patient for it to become rewarding.
Saturday morning, I get up early. Having my breakfast, the sun filtering into the kitchen for the first time in weeks. Vancouver weather. The sun is rare, and so it is glorious. I feel so alive, so happy, my skin tingles at being bare and having air moving across it.
I gather my things for the early morning yoga class. As I'm walking out of the door, my phone buzzes. I look at it, and it's another email from Chris. He's sitting there right now, home alone, typing an email to me over his breakfast.
I test my willpower and do not look at it.
I walk to yoga class, holding the feeling of his care and attention in my heart. I radiate. The azure sky, a slight breeze, the air warmer than it's been since last September. The plum blossoms. The plum blossoms are fragrant, and I realize that it smells like home. My childhood home with two mature cherry trees, the spring always smelling like the blossoms, either fresh on the trees or later rotting on the ground. Petals scatter from the trees, and the sun, and Chris.
The class is beautiful. A new teacher, and I like her. Flowing and holding, the music loud, the class all breathing together like waves rolling in and out. I open myself in triangle, and the sun slants across my face in a feat of glory. The plum blossoms swirling around outside the window. I push my heart more open towards the sun. Breathe in, breathe out. Never stop breathing.
At home, I make tea and then sit down to read the email.
I hang on every word, scrolling up slowly, line by line. He invites me skiing next week. Maybe night skiing. Talks about a work thing, a project that I told him about that has a subconsultant that he's working with on another project. Said that he mentioned to him that he knew me. The tiny world of engineering in this city.
I realize that even if Chris and I do not become anything, we are already something. And he will be company and companionship through the rest of my life. We've already been doing this for 12 years. There's no reason to think that it will stop. It comforts me, knowing that he's around.
I fall back into my day. Making a casserole to take over to my sick mother. Cleaning and doing laundry.
The sun, the plum blossoms, and Chris.