SWORDFERN
Rooted, I used to think.

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Wednesday, Mar. 09, 2016 @ 12:18 pm
_______



What's happening?

I saw Carly yesterday.

It was immensely helpful. I talked about what's been happening for the last year, about how D's disatisfaction with aspects of his life caused him to stop making efforts with me. About how the way that he talks to me has caused me to move away from him, which causes him to become more demanding, which pushes me further away, until I reached a point where I found myself shrinking from his touch.

She reassured me that this was normal, that we need emotional connection to appreciate touch. That it appears that me and D are lacking this kind of intimacy, and that there are things that both of us need to be doing to rebuild it.

She told me that I should not think about The Decision at this point. That will come later. Right now there is a crisis, and we need to process this no matter what the long term plan may be.

I can work with that. I want to work with that. I don't want to throw away the last ten years, but I also cannot continue to be in a shallow relationship.

I tried to talk with through with D last night. He essentially couldn't hear any of it though his anger. He demanded that I pay for him to stay somewhere else for the short term. I said fine. He is so, so, so hurt. He cannot see my hurt. He cannot see that I'm doing this for the betterment of our relationship. That it had to happen. That we were stuck. But he can't see it. He's so involved in his own affairs that he can't see how our lack of intimacy has been stifling me.

Carly said that we're looking at 6 months of repair work.

D said that was ridiculous, that he wasn't going to live in limbo for half of a year.

He's so stuck, you guys. He doesn't believe that there's anything that he needs to do differently. He believes that he's done everything right, that he's put in his 110%, and that I am the head case. He honestly believes that. And as he's yelling at me, telling me these things, my head remains calm as I've learned to put space between trigger and response. I take deep breaths, stay in self and continue to ask him about his experience. I use "I statements", and I tell him how I'm scared about how I'm feeling in the relationship, and that it's scary to find myself recoiling at his touch, but all he hears is recoiling at his touch and he yells at me how fucked up I am.

Case in point.

I don't know how this is going to end. All I know is that I'm not willing to settle for less than I deserve. That I must live passionately, or not at all.

I'm terrified that our relationship is over. I'm terrified of starting over. Of having to split up the small kitchen appliances and decide who gets the bed. Carly told me to give myself permission to not think of those things yet, that they will get sorted out if things are truly over. What's important to think about now is the relationship.

But there's this other part of me that is begging me to cut the umbilical cord. To severe it and not look back. The reality is that he was never going to propose to me, that we would never have children. THAT IS THE REALITY.

I've been waiting for so long. We moved to PG for him to go to school. We moved back to Vancouver for his new job. I waited for him to find a new job that would make him happier than the one we moved here for. And it's been so many years of waiting that I forget to even call it waiting anymore. It just is how we are living. How I am living.

I don't need a wedding, but I want a physical commitment. For him to tell me that I am good enough for him. That's all I want. I know that he loves me, is loyal to me, but if the premise of our relationship is that we are partners, then he has to be willing to accept me as such. He presently does not and is holding this thing - engagement - in front of me, as a reward should I be how he wants me to be in this relationship.

So that's that.

**

Night skiing with Chris next week. I've realized that he is the only real friend that I have in this city that's not family or D's family.

**

I've been to yoga six times in the last two weeks. This is a new record. I sat there last night, breathing in and out, the pulse of traffic on Main St below. Robin song. Letting my mind release from thinking of anything.

Not of myself, or D, or Chris. Just _______.


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