Tuesday, May. 31, 2016 @ 3:10 pm
Confidence - Halfway Mark
Feel like I'm banging my head against the wall here.
Gained 3lbs in the last couple of weeks. Feel ok, actually kind of liking how it makes me look a little softer. Has done nothing yet in terms of hormones as far as I can tell. Did more research trying to find an answer that does not involve weight gain. Some anecdotes regarding vitamin D deficiency in women with amenorrhea, so I'll be starting on that to see if that helps to jump start things.
Things with D ebb and flow. We're back at square one right now. Fight last night. Tried to meet to talk it through at lunch today, and I ended up walking away, unable to deal with how he was talking to me.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I woke him up in the morning with a kiss and said that I was sad that we'd fought last night. He made no response and did not get out of bed before I had to leave for work. I'm really stretching myself - the amount of courage that it took to do that, to set aside my frustrations and be caring and open. And then at lunch he piles on blame and accusations.
I swore to myself that I'd allow myself six months of intensive therapy. We've been going weekly to counselling. I have seen a lot of changes in D, finally, but we always seem to swing back around to this.
I'm nearing the halfway mark of my promised six months.
Other parts of my life flourish. I have become involved in my professional organization and decided to initiate a series of networking events for women in my field. This is really out of character for me, but I identified this as a need and the more that I mentioned it to other women in my field the more I realized how much other women wanted something like this to happen. So I decided to contribute to what you most complain about and called up a pub and drafted an invitation and vetted my plans through the other committee members.
Already the RSVPs are starting to come in, and the event is still a month away. I'm SO EXCITED to see uptake on this. I've never initiated something like this before, and it's the most incredibly powerful feeling of success to see the list of attendees growing.
I never imagined myself to be this kind of a leader, innovator, catalyst.
My confidence professionally. My confidence in yoga class, moving gracefully into headstand without the wall for support.
My confidence in so many places, but not with Daniel.