Monday, Jul. 11, 2016 @ 10:29 am
Massive sadness, my chest aching, tears constantly at the edges of my eyes.
I go for a hike with Daniel, and he is miserable company. He complains about everything - the bugs, his energy level, the other people on the trail, the trail itself.
Later, we have supper and walk to get ice cream for dessert. I watch a movie with him, which I know that he likes but I rarely do, because I'd rather do a million other things than sit on the couch and stare blankly at a screen.
At the end of the movie, he walks off to lay on the bed. I crawl under the covers of the bed in the den. We haven't slept together in months.
He comes back and stands at the door with his arms crossed. "So are you in bed for the night or what? Were you planning to say goodnight?"
I freeze. My brain is going a million miles a minute, my heart racing in my chest. I'm scared. He's so mad at me.
"What do you want?" He demands. "I mean, what do you really want us to be like? You say that you are trying, and that you want things to change, but I just don't see you doing anything. You haven't come into the bedroom in 6 months other than to get your clothes from the closet in the morning."
I tell him that I'm scared of his anger, that I'm trying, but it's hard, and that I want softness and gentleness from him.
He continues to stand at the threshold with his arms crossed.
He stalks off to his room and says nothing else. I fall asleep in fetal position, clutching a pillow over my head.
My phone buzzes at 6:30am. I glance at it, already on my way to the bathroom to get ready for my day. It's the naturopath, cancelling our 8am appointment. She has terrible morning sickness.
I tell her to rest up and that it's ok, that we can reschedule.
Inside, in reality, I'm crying and aching, and everything is not fair. The herbs that she prescribed two weeks ago are doing nothing. I stand in the shower, the hot water loosening the soreness in my muscles from yesterday's hike.
I spent the hike wishing that I were alone, or with someone else. During the long slog up a boulder field, I fantasized about how I would tell Chris that I love him. I fantasized about how he would stand beside me and stare out at the view, not caring about the bugs and the humidity. I fantasized about living alone, about living free from Daniel's anger/fear/hurt. Free from constantly disappointing someone.
I read about infertility and stress.
Eliminate stressful relationships in your life that are not serving you.
I think about the last 11 years. And then I think about the next 11 years.