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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Monday, Oct. 31, 2016 @ 10:05 pm
Holy hell, you guys, I finally got my period.
I walked around all day with rosy cheeks and giant grin like I'd just lost my virginity.
And then I sat there wondering what to do with myself. It's been 260 days of non-stop research trying to fix this... and now it's fixed. So now what?
Lunch with my work mentor today, at my favourite restaurant. Ordering the steelhead, $25 for lunch, and it's buttery and cooked perfectly, and I'm losing myself in each bite. Finally, finally. Life can go back to normal.
Fireworks at the park, the children screaming. Halloween is crazy around here, the sidewalks crowded like New York on Christmas Eve. Staring up at the fireworks, the concussions rattling through my body. Such perfect timing.
I menstruate with the new moon. The moon pulling blood from my womb. My womb alive, pushing hormones through my body. My body swells in womanly places. I dream of breastfeeding Alf.
I am invited to my professional association's awards night as a 'special guest'. I try on my red dress from last year's Christmas party, and it's a bit too tight. My body fattened up to help support hormone production. I stand in front of the mirror and work on accepting it, the curves. Growing up. My body did not work properly without these curves. Changing my brain - no, it's not me that doesn't fit the dress, it's the dress that does not fit me.
I'm wiping down tables at the soup kitchen after serving out nearly 300 scooped of mashed potatoes. I help people clear their trays. I am wiping down the tables, and I am aware of my rump - rounded and curved, waggling back and forth as I wipe. Hrmph. So this is what it feels like to be a woman. I glance up to make eye contact with a younger man, not as rough looking as the rest. He smiles broadly at me. I smile back and tell him goodnight.
I sit on the couch at night, eating a bowl of chocolate pudding. Daniel lays into me about snacking at night. It's hurtful, and I feel ashamed. But it's not right. I know that I need this food, that I needed the weight gain to get my period back. And I know that the comment is about him, not about me.
So that's that. It's been a while, hey?