Thursday, Jan. 31, 2019 @ 9:27 pm
Day Four was the day of feeling raw and hollow. Waking up empty feeling, frustrated with the smallest discomfort. Moving through the day and doing everything that needed to get done, with an ache in my throat. I wrote at length, and then filed it away, ashamed of my misery.
Day Five was less raw but filled with a horrific dread. I worked through the dread during yoga class, comforted by the familiar voice of my favourite teacher and the rubber of my yoga mat, my adult version of a security blanket that flew in my lap across the province.
On Day Six, today, something shifts. I am not raw at all. I am not confused or questioning. I am confident and feeling moments of... happiness?
I compile a list of things that have been said to me in the last week, the kindest, most generous things.
"You make good decisions." -SH
"You know what to do. And I know that you're going to be OK. Better than OK" -MB
"I've never met someone who can re-frame things the way that you do. You give me great advice. Nobody else seems to care about me around here." -SC
"The thing that stands out about you is how well you listen. I appreciate that you always make me feel heard. I remember two years ago, when we were all so stressed with that project, and yet you sat with me and listened and helped. It was incredible." -SB
"You look better than you did in your 20's. And you would be a fantastic mother. Patient, level headed and handed, and I see so much love and kindness in your eyes." -TW
I walk home from the bus stop, and a light rain starts to fall. Warm steam rises from the asphalt. Bulbs already pushing up from the earth.
As I'm walking, this glowing feeling builds inside of me. It rises and feels tingly and tickly and I wish that I could hug you and share this feeling. Have it ooze from my chest and into yours. So that you can feel happy too.