Rooted, I used to think.

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Climbing, Again - Monday, May. 18, 2020
Talking Openly - Friday, May. 15, 2020
Wreck Beach - Tuesday, May. 12, 2020
One Year - Sunday, May. 10, 2020
Asking Questions - Thursday, May. 07, 2020

Wednesday, May. 06, 2020 @ 11:48 am

I sit quietly on the floor and listen to the wind pass through the new leaves on the weeping birch tree. I close my eyes.

What is the matter, my dear? Why does it hurt so much to see that ring on his hand?

Let’s start with this: tell me what you know is true.

I know that he is loving. I know that he had many years of relationships before he met me. I know that many people have had failed marriages. I know that when people are married they are happily and passionately in love. I know that marriage failure is devastating and painful. I know that this pain becomes a part of a person’s history. I know that some become bitter and unable to trust. I know that others work to stay open and seek new love. I know that the wedding ring means that he is not afraid to commit, to dive into the murky sea of forever. Even though we all know that it rarely is forever.

Did you ever ask if he was married to her? You know they lived together, owned property together, owned a dog together. That sounds a lot like marriage.

No. No, I did not ask. He’d described it as a partnership. There was no divorce, at least not that I know of. I thought that we had been in the same type of relationship, holding on to a lackluster partnership for too long with the hopes of improvement.

Partnership. Marriage. What’s the difference? Why does it matter? Why does it hurt?

I take a deep breath.

It hurts because nobody has ever proposed to me. Because I have never experienced someone asking to spend their life with me. Because I have not stood in ceremony and had someone tell me, in front of others, that they love me.

So the ring is the symbol of all that you have never had. You thought that your previous relationships were similar, but in fact his was perhaps not so terrible and he did not have to suffer with years of feeling not good enough the way you did. Of course that would be hard for you to see.

You know that he’s no longer with her. He was frustrated with what they had become, and he left her for nothing, just the same as you. And because of that, he is now with you. He tells you that he is very happy. All that exists is the present moment. Without her, he would not have found you.

You're right. Without that relationship, its lengthy existence and its ultimate demise, I would have never learned the gentle nature of his love. I would have not experienced him fully accepting me and caring for me with such immense depth.

Hold on, my dear. Do not withdraw. Do not harden. Your aching heart is beautiful.

I open my eyes. My insides are tender and raw but also gathered and calm.

I am brave.

I have the courage to love.

Roots | Shoots