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Night Running in the Rain - Friday, Nov. 13, 2020
Wednesday, Sept. 30, 2020 @ 2:30 pm
My phone rings. It’s a senior engineer that I work with on a regular basis.
“Hi. Did you respond to Tom’s email yet?”
“No.” I look in my inbox. Tom sent his email to me at 6:15pm last night, and it’s now 9:15am.
“He sent you an email yesterday and deserves a timely response.”
“OK, yes, I understand.”
“This is client management. If you’re going to lead projects, you need to take care of your clients.”
“OK, yes, thank you.” My voice begins to break. “I get it and will respond to him now.”
I say goodbye and hang up.
I stand up and walk into my kitchen, fighting tears. It’s not fair. I am good at responding to clients. I haven’t been negligent. It’s only 9am. He’s being unreasonable. Defending myself, trying to make myself feel better.
I sit on the couch and let myself cry for a while. Big fat tears fall onto my t-shirt.
I never asked for this role on this project. You’ve abandoned me over and over on it. I need more coaching and mentorship. It’s not my fault. Blaming others.
What is so triggering about an older man criticizing me?
I do some research.
I come across an article about the impact of an emotionally absent father on daughters. I read more. It all sounds so familiar. I didn’t know that fathers are supposed to be warm and caring. I didn’t know that fathers are supposed to tell their daughters that they love them. I didn’t know that I don’t need to achieve in order to be acceptable to a father. I didn’t know that a father could be emotionally available. I didn’t know.
All you know is what you know. All you know is the reality of your existence until you have an opportunity to step into a different reality.
I know that he’s only ever done the best that he knows, and that he is repeating what he learned from his father.
But still, it impacted me deeply.