Rooted, I used to think.

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Friday, Mar. 04, 2022 @ 9:12 am
Going Out / Coming Home

I came out of my hole.

I went into the office for the first time since… Hallowe’en-ish… for a staff event.

I went from working alone at home for days on end to inserting myself into a party with free booze, a scavenger hunt, a three-legged race, and then ultimately a scene in the lunchroom that felt a bit like a nightclub.

The cycle into the office was amazing. I’d forgotten how that used to be one of the best parts of my day. I had to pack a lunch, which was annoying, but at the same time all of my containers were there in the cupboard waiting to be filled with the usual items.

The stink of the back of the high-end seafood restaurant where the office bike lockers are located.

I walk through the office, and it feels like a weird dream. Stepping back into an old part of my life, where everything is the same but also slightly different. I reserved my old desk and stared out the window, the view ever the same as before.

I walk to the kitchen for coffee, which is horrible compared to what I’ve become used to drinking at home. There is free food in the fridge that I scavenge, as I always did.

The background sounds of the office. Familiar voices having familiar conversations. The whoosh and thump of the glass sliding doors to the meeting rooms.

I talk to many people, make plans for skiing with a guy I’d never met before, make plans for climbing with a woman I’d never met before. I talk with Kendrick, who I met 8 months ago, and I felt my soul filling up as we talked. His warmth and our connection and something that’s like chemistry but I guess isn’t sexual. But maybe it is. I don’t know. He sought me out later, sat down beside me after the games finished, and we talked a rambling maze of conversations that was so incredibly fulfilling.

The woman who shares my name sat beside me at the end of the afternoon. We have ended up as two parts of a whole: The Shannons. I’ve watched her grow over the years, and it’s just been so nice to have her friendship, which I don’t think would have developed had we not shared a name. She’s my office sister. Who’s my office husband?

I leave the event before it’s over. My friend messaged me earlier in the week asking if I could look after one of her dogs while she went to the vet to put the other one down.

“Oh, you’re leaving already?”

“Yeah, I have to go.” I can’t say why. It’s too hard to describe.

I cycle across the bridge to their condo, and I’m early and don’t know what to do. But it’s okay, because they are just rounding the corner with the two doggos coming back from a walk.

I was beginning to believe that there was something wrong with me. That I needed medication. I do need therapy, and I’m starting that in two weeks. But most of the anxiety that was making me feel as though I was drowning vanished in moments simply by going into the office. Shifting my mental space took zero effort, no processing, no inner child work, no medication. All that was required was to shift my environment.

The problem was isolation.

I feel like myself again. I feel connected and included and loved.

The dog is sleeping on the mat by the door waiting for everyone to come home.

Everyone is not coming home, though.

Roots | Shoots