Rooted, I used to think.

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Two Weeks In - Thursday, May. 26, 2022
The Time In-between Jobs - Friday, May. 06, 2022
The Sun Run - Sunday, Apr. 24, 2022
Change - Sunday, Apr. 17, 2022
Job Interview - Friday, Apr. 15, 2022

Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2022 @ 9:33 am

Seemingly out of nowhere, I woke up this morning feeling angry at Daniel. So goddamn angry.

Remember that piano that I bought for him that he never played, and then insisted that we pay to move again and again, one time even hiring a CRANE to move it in through a second floor balcony, because he was going to eventually relax enough to play it?

Remember how I paid for insurance and all the rest on two cars at the same time, while I was also paying all of our other bills including the mortgage, so that he could drive to school because the bus was too inconvenient for him?

Remember when he made me give my cat away because he was jealous that I loved the cat more than him?

Remember when he’d be on his phone at the dinner table and I’d tell him that I felt ignored when he did that and he told me that he wasn’t ignoring me and that I was misinterpreting his intentions?

Remember when he tried to isolate me from my family, telling me that my sister was stupid and selfish? Remember when he told me that he didn’t like me spending time with Chris, one of my best and oldest friends?

Remember when he yelled at me and told me that I was psycho? Remember when he told me that I lacked EMPATHY?? Remember when he sat in therapy and said that we were really there because there was something wrong with me and not him? Remember when I told him to leave me alone and he followed me into the bedroom and tore the duvet off of me so that he could continue yelling at my back while I heaved and sobbed in fear? When I was curled in a fetal position on the floor in the corner of the dining room crying and he stood over me and YELLED at me?

It’s all coming back to me. How much he took advantage of me. I replay scenes over in my head, and I can see it all through a different lens.

Is this what happens when you start lifting the edge of trauma?

It feels fucking good.

Roots | Shoots