It hasn’t set in yet, despite handing over my laptop and swipe card.

Nine years. I’ll never know what was to be in the 10-year gift bag.

Did I give up? Or am I being brave?

Either way, I’ve made a bold statement. I’ve put myself first.

The process of leaving has been exhausting. I had a fantasy of what would happen when I resigned, and the reality was far removed from my expectations. Ensuring my projects were going to be taken care of, while still dealing with incoming emails and requests. And then a dozen, two dozen, coffee chats and lunches.

What has become abundantly clear is that I am loved. I have many allies here, and I’ve made an impression. I’m proud of that. I quietly form connections and listen and coach and encourage. I am diligent and do my job well. I like who I am. I like how people think of me.

This gives me confidence going into my new role.

I’m still anxious. Am I just habitually anxious?

After dropping off my laptop at the office, I cycled home and washed the car and the van by hand. There is real French champagne in the fridge, a birthday gift from my sister, and I spent the evening scrubbing moss out of cracks.

Towards the end of my car washing session, I paused to swig beer and look at my phone. The sun setting and a breeze picking up, the ocean air moving through the neighbourhood, brisk and fresh. Mid-day, I’d messaged the company president an explanation and a note of gratitude. I’d heard that he’d heard of my departure. There, on my phone, as I stood there with one hand on my lower back, and a rag in a bucket at my feet, I see that there is an email from him in my inbox.

I can’t bear to open it. I’m sure that it will be a nice message, and yet I let it sit there unread.

This morning, instead of rushing to work, I pulled on my swimsuit and went down to the beach. Every morning, a group of women go into the ocean at 8:30am. No wetsuits. The ocean a chilly 9 degrees. I hear them laughing and talking every morning. Today was my day to join.

Approaching the group was intimidating, but I stuck with my plan. Boldly walked up and flashed my giant smile and said hello. Untied my robe and walked into the ocean. No big deal. I talked with the women and laughed and felt included.

After tidying up from car washing, I sit in my living room with a cocktail and the sunset. I pick up my phone. I open his email.