Drum Circle - Wednesday, May. 10, 2023
Friday, Apr. 14, 2023 @ 4:35 pm
I've transitioned to my new position.
I'm constantly grateful for my new team. My new manager is incredibly empathic and curious. I feel valued and supported and effortlessly happy. I don't mean surface-level happiness of a laugh and a smile; I mean a fullness and warmth that wells up within me that makes me be the best version of myself.
I fit better here. I'm comfortable and at ease. I talk with people in the lunchroom, and it's all just so much more fluid that at my old office.
I lay awake at night trying to not overthink the things that I've said. It's so easy to fall back into self-doubt and shame, and I'm at times, in the dark stillness of the night, treading water to keep my head above all of that murkiness.
I keep wanting to document more of this. The joy of a shorter commute, all by bicycle. The evenings of burning off my self-doubt by mountain biking through the forest alone, mud splattered up my legs, cedar bits clinging in my braided hair. A walk with my manager along the seawall at lunchtime, wanting this feeling to last forever. The exhaustion of learning and re-orienting to new systems and acronyms.
And the thing that I reflect back on the most is that I followed my intuition, and the results so far are positive. I didn't let logic get in the way of myself. I knew something didn't feel right, and even though I was comfortable I knew that things could be better. And so far, things are better.
I struggle to accept that my former manager is likely correct in that I undervalue myself. But I don't know how to value myself without shaming my ego. Who do you think you are, being so smart? How can I learn to value myself without feeling like I'm over-inflating? Why does it feel so shameful to value myself?
In the lunch room today, Ben walked by and saw me and exclaimed, "Shannon!". I worked with him seven or eight years ago. His face, a genuine smile.
And it's moments like this that reassure me that I've made a very good decision.