This year is the first year that things are different. I'm not at home in that blue-curtained room listening for the jingle-jangle of the reindeer on the roof. I can't hear Dad wrapping his last few presents....

What is still the same is my body fighting hard to digest the traditional Chinese Feast and the remaining alcohol in my system from last night.

Our tradition is to go up to the Chinese place with the neighbours and congregate with the other lazy North Shore families.. it's inevitable that we see kids from our highschool (with 3 different grad years covered it's a given - 5 grad years if you count my dad and his brother who both gradded from 'shore highschools way-back-when).

The fortune cookie this year was good to me. Just when I yearn for change... Actually Mom recieved that fortune first and announced to the table loudly, "Oh look! This one should have gone to you!" I opened my cookie, and what should be inside but the same one. (Cheap-ass fortune cookies)

And now I'm here all alone. The ducks are tucked in tight. The flocks have been tended; the mangers are filled with hay. The cattle.. are.. lowing...

Last night I hosted a medium sized party. Fourteen people crammed into my shoebox suite. I had been drinking since lunch at 1pm. Miss S came over around 4pm and we drank and chatted till 8pm when other people began to arrive. I started with vodka.. moved onto gin... then onto rum.. and then onto a gift bottle of 'crackling' French rose wine. Guess when all of that hit me?? Yeah, sparkling rose wine is baaaaaaad.

The rose wine left me spinning and falling backwards onto my bed. Who should come to comfort me with water and warmth but Dave. Ahh yes, I called and invited Dave. Silly me? No, it's ok. We were left alone for a while and we talked. Talked about what? I don't remember. Then he pulls me out of my spinning blurring world to tell me how much he loves me. Why, Dave, why? "Because you are so strong. The strongest girl I've ever known. You are just amazing.. this farm.. parties.. your stuffed monkeys... everything. You are simply unlike everyone else." Of course he's deluded by First Love Syndrome. He leans over and kisses me. And kisses me again. And he still tastes exactly the same - cigarette, pot and kokanee. Mmmm. But seriously, as gross as it is, it's comforting. It's him. "I wish everyone else wasn't here. I want to be alone with you."

Miss S and I stayed up talking till 3:30am. When the world settled back into focus we went to sleep.

I'd forgotten the real happiness and fulfillment of having a best friend. It's been a while - I guess it was grade 7 when I last had a Real Friend. This sleep over was a major hurdle. It means something.. it means.. that she really is my best friend. Unquestionably the most amazing gift I've ever recieved.

It's so, so dark out here. The brief snowfall this afternoon is puddled on the pavement. I'm very, very alone. My stocking is 15 kilometers away. The quiet, for the first time ever, is scaring me. The dogs are on the island with their owners... Rustles in the bushes outside make my heart pound.