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Purgatory - Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Saturday, Feb. 08, 2003 @ 2:14 am
Everybody has a cross to bear.
The fog (and its smothering cold) is creeping back in. Toques... god I love the way a toque makes up for all the penetrating cold.
We were somewhere warm and tangled. It could have been a couch or the ground, but wherever it was my body was entwined with his and it was so soft we could have been on clouds.
I could feel his breath on my skin.
Perhaps I was drunk. More likely I was drunk on him, my drug, my happiness.
He was giving me chocolate - good chocolate that melts before it reaches your mouth - and I licked my fingers. Chocolate smeared on my chin. He leaned over and gently licked it off my chin. There was a moment, a pause, and then I reached to touch his face.
I can hardly describe the empty ache I feel right now. I crave intensely to have someone look in my eyes and not quickly look away. It's such a keen aching that tears begin to come. Right now, what I would give to be able to even talk with someone. Someone who cares.
I'm feeling better about myself lately. Still not 100%. Instead of hating my reflection in every mirror I only hate myself in about a quarter of them.
I realize that's it's all a natural swing, a swing up from amenorrheic weight, from an amenorrheic mindset. Two years later... wait, no, it's been three years now, and it's finally swinging back to centre. And then I count the years I spent there.. three.
I edited this down a lot. A lot. Because, well, because. I still don't understand Why, and all my speculations about Why are just that: speculations. I've read all the books. I know how I've been shaped by society. I know how I've been saturated with surreal ideas about beauty. Laadeeda. But seriously, why?? Trigger. Need.
I ended up at a movie by myself tonight. That was a first. I do everything else alone. So I decided to take the Movie Plunge tonight. It was after the Whip. I couldn't go home alone. I wasn't upset by what happened at Drinks - it was fine. Really. One of my favourite (and married) coworkers was $20 drunk and very open to me. G sat next to his sex friend, of course. SlimeBall oozed out of my head and I nearly said it. And then I didn't because I know what it's like to be in his zone, within his margins of attention. So then I left and wandered along Main. Then Broadway. Shopping. There are always interesting people in produce stores.
And now I'm home.
Tomorrow night I'll see him and wish he'd lick chocolate off my chin. It's his house. I'm quite certain he has no idea how much I adore him.
I will be wearing pink tapered jeans and purple shoulder duster earrings. Perhaps it will not be a good night for seducing.