SWORDFERN
Rooted, I used to think.

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Wednesday, Feb. 12, 2003 @ 8:32 pm
Why I'm Alone...



I'm sickened with myself.

I feel this stubborness seeping from my skin, my lips.

I was wrong. And then people tell me I was not all wrong. They were supposed to shake me up and tell me to get my priorities in order, but instead they validate my actions. So now I'm confused and not calling her. She told me, "Well, I'll see you around."

I will not crawl back to someone. I never have. I move ahead, I move on. I leave people behind.

She won't attempt to see my side. All she sees is how the world is so cruel and mean to her. Everyone always goes back to her, begs for forgiveness: her boyfriends, her assorted step-family members... And the ones that don't are labelled 'assholes'.

How many times do I drive? How many hours have I heard you whine about the boy of the moment? How often, after two hours of listening to your problems, do you politely ask, "So what's new with you?" as if those words will penetrate my dense stubborn skin. The reply is always "Nothing much". I brought you into my group of friends and set you up with boys. You bring me out with your suitors. They simply never talk with me; I'm there for the ride.

Woe is me. Such a sap I am. So when I get an invitation out with SINGLE people WITHOUT you there to absorb all the attention, I will go. I will go because you are all snuggled in tight on that Saturday night with your current future husband. I betrayed you because it was an 'asshole' who invited me. "It seems like you are being more loyal to him than to me". If I'd told you before you would have been upset too. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't," Mom tells me.

So now she's looking around her at work and at home, everyone betraying her for the sake of a good time saturday night.

And I'm too stubborn to call her.

Other things changed yesterday too. Looks like I'm moving home instead of out again. Looks like I'll be back among the canyons and cedar trees. Sweet dependance without shame.

Why the hell did everything have to explode so violently yesterday?????!!!!

Why is life making such a sharp u-turn?
I am so weak.


Roots | Shoots