Wednesday, Jul. 04, 2012 @ 7:16 pm
My heart is falling in on itself. Matt just left, and I'll never see him again. His goodbye was casual and distracted. I'd been agonizing over what to say to him, but the moment never happened, and now I'm wondering how much of us I made up in my head.
I'm suddenly lonely and lost and have no interest in being here. I don't want to run without him there to keep an eye on me. I don't want to walk the gauntlet in the caf without the hope of his smile at the end. I'm putting one foot in front of the other, my mind not present, feeling such great loss.
Last night we ran in tandem. I pushed harder than ever before as we raced towards the plywood. I broke under fifty minutes for ten kilometers, feeling lighter on my feet than ever before, nearly fleet, nearly graceful.
I glanced towards the door as he left, and he turned and hesitated and looked back towards me. In that moment, I thought I saw and understood and knew that there was something more.
When I went to leave, he was sitting in the boot room. Was he lingering on purpose? I talked and we laughed and the rest of the world fell away and there was nothing but him and me.
I left, headed out onto the boardwalks, heavy rain falling lukewarm on my bare arms. I look up and let it fall on my face and the salt runs into my mouth and Matt is watching me from inside.
That was it - that was the moment when I was on top of the world. Powerful, happy, loved.
Hold onto this. Hold onto that feeling, recreate it, do not despair. Love, love, loved. His absense. My loneliness. What was real? Only my feelings were real.
My feelings are the only thing that I know for sure.