Tuesday, Jul. 10, 2012 @ 8:17 am
Home. This place will be home for four more days.
I going home, to my native home. And just when the move begins in earnest, I recieve an invitation to my childhood best friend's wedding.
My emotions are mixed. I cannot determine her reasoning for inviting me. Does she not realize how much her shunning me at age thirteen affected the shape of my life? Does she not realize the depth of shame I felt at the moment of her betrayal?
We have talked briefly a handful of times in the last twenty years. Our parents live four houses apart, and during the holidays we have physically crossed paths in the walkable neighbourhood. We have made awkward conversation over a firepit at the annual September block party. Our mothers are best friends, and we both hear about each other through them. We have talked briefly, but we have never talked.
I want to think that this invitation is an olive branch, but my heart tells me that it's not. My heart tells me that she wanted to invite my mother, and that her mother told her that it would be a twist of the knife to invite my mother and not invite me. I want to think that people want to be good, that people want to grow love rather than hate. I want to think that she doesn't understand that I can feel the hurt just as intensely twenty years later.
I have four options:
1. Decline the invite. This tells her that I'm not interested in pursuing our friendship and that I think her invitation is out of obligation rather than pure heart.
2. Decline with the excuse that I'm busy. This tells her that I'm weak-willed and avoidant and perpetuates my nervous turtle trait that I have to think was part of the reason she dumped me.
3. Accept the invite and go and appear to have a good time. This tells her that I'm compliant and good hearted and able to maybe forgive. This also plays along with the game that everything is fine, which it is not, and is not healthy for my spirit.
4. Confront her about the invite. Phone her and tell her that I'm confused by the invitation and that I don't think that she understands how hurt I was and that in order for me to come that we need to clear the air.
I'm not sure that I have the guts to do Option 4. I know that this is the best way to go about things, that it could lead to resolution and closure and a bunch of other things. Do I really want to go bring all of this up? Is it even worth it? Will she have the capacity to deal with this six weeks before her wedding? Is it rude to confront her about it? Can I hold her to something that she did when she was 13 years old? What does she think about when she looks at her childhood photo albums and sees that I'm in more than half of the photos? Was this all just a big misunderstanding? Did I make it up? Does she feel like a victim too? What actually happened? Did I create this whole thing inside my head?
I have eight days to decide.