I don't know why I spent so much time in my life feeling ashamed for not wanting children. I'm finally feeling ready for it all, and it's a relatively easy yes with Russell who is effortlessly patient and loving.

We talk about the in-the-moment struggles that we would need to endure. The lack of sleep, the grocery store meltdowns (me? the child?), the whining. The finances (oh my god the finances: Vancouver). But also the bigger picture joy that having a family would bring to our relationship. A funny little person messing up our lives.

I feel accomplished in my career and have pulled back on how much of myself I give to work. I am still dedicated and a high performer, but I'm also settled and satisfied and happy to relax into my role for a few years (for now).

I have spent a lot of time having adventures. Climbing, biking, camping, hiking. I've travelled enough for now. I'd be okay to pull back on those things for a while.

But in the end, I may not end up getting pregnant, and I would be okay with that too. My life is already rich and full, and I am already happy.

My life these days is a comfortable routine of work, weekend trips and friends.

I want to write more. But I just can't find the right space to do so.