Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2023 @ 4:21 pm
We lay in bed in the campervan, rain falling on the pop-top, and talk about having kids. Real conversations that are headed in a direction that is terrifying and exciting.
I don't know why I spent so much time in my life feeling ashamed for not wanting children. I'm finally feeling ready for it all, and it's a relatively easy yes with Russell who is effortlessly patient and loving.
We talk about the in-the-moment struggles that we would need to endure. The lack of sleep, the grocery store meltdowns (me? the child?), the whining. The finances (oh my god the finances: Vancouver). But also the bigger picture joy that having a family would bring to our relationship. A funny little person messing up our lives.
I feel accomplished in my career and have pulled back on how much of myself I give to work. I am still dedicated and a high performer, but I'm also settled and satisfied and happy to relax into my role for a few years (for now).
I have spent a lot of time having adventures. Climbing, biking, camping, hiking. I've travelled enough for now. I'd be okay to pull back on those things for a while.
But in the end, I may not end up getting pregnant, and I would be okay with that too. My life is already rich and full, and I am already happy.
My life these days is a comfortable routine of work, weekend trips and friends.
I want to write more. But I just can't find the right space to do so.