SWORDFERN
Rooted, I used to think.

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Rupert Part II - Sunday, Sept. 10, 2017


Wednesday, Jun. 03, 2009 @ 10:20 pm
End.



Daniel was laid off today.

I had seven hours of classes. Was sleeping in the last break.

Heat wave. Breaking records in Victoria, above 30 degrees Celsius. Like walking into a hair dryer. Streets full of people wearing not much. The park full, couples lounging in the grass on the hill.

Us lounging in the grass on the hill. Me itching and sneezing. Drinking wine. Gift wine. I take a photo of Daniel, on his last day of being an electrician. He looks younger already.

I get back a midterm. A low A. I screw up on a quiz. I look out the window instead of at the board. I vegetate on the internet on my break. Pretending to study.

The apartment is hot. Daniel goes to bed early, I need a good night's sleep to start the rest of my life with.

I am giving him this. A chance to change.

We're walking back from the park. Fake-looking huge chestnut trees, emerald green leaves. He's wearing a different sweatshirt, new shorts, old shoes. For a second, I wonder who he is. Why I'm with him. What I'm doing in this city, with him. I hop a couple of steps to be beside him again, and it again feels normal.

He's Daniel, and I love him. We're here because we came here, and we love it, but it's time to move on.

I lie in bed, shaking. Thinking about being alive. Thinking about not being alive. I fall deep into these thoughts, shaking, adrenaline. I have to stop thinking them. What if I kept thinking them?

I try to remember what it was like to be in the park earlier this evening. The long, golden grasses. The freighters in the Straight. Dogs chasing each other around. It's already gone. Gone. Gone. Last weekend, lying beside that lake in the Sooke hills, the salamanders swimming primitively around the shallows. Gone. Past.

It's cooled to 28 degrees. I'll go to bed, to sleep beside Daniel. To wake up to the first day of his new life.

And the last few years will be in the past.


Roots | Shoots